The House of the Rising Tide

 As Hurricane Gustav speeds its way towards the Louisiana coast, Mayor Ray Nagin has warned residents to get their 'butts out of New Orleans now' as emergency services would not be available to those who chose to stay. So, no change there then. Meanwhile, Republicans ever mindful of the catastrophic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina are starting to worry ... that it might upset their upcoming convention and the official announcement of Sarah Palin's vice presidential candidacy. Sources close to Senator McCain have stated that a natural disaster of this magnitude could put a 'real damper' on the event, and the hurricane won't help much either.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Gone with the Wind (1939) -

 

Romance blooms despite

American Civil War.

Big in Atlanta.

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Putin the boot in

 Are we on the verge of a new Cold War? Foreign Secretary David Milibland has warned the Kremlin about the dangers of isolating itself over its stance on the breakaway republics of South Ossetia and Abkhazia (worth 26 points in Scrabble), but Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (18 points) has been meeting with leaders from China and the 'stans. This could lead to the formation of a rival to NATO, in the manifestation of a Central Asian Treaty Organisation, or CATO. Here's where our problem starts: as we all know, the only person capable of defeating CATO is Inspector Clouseau, and we don't want to have to rely on the French!

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Pink Panther (1963) -

 

Forget the cartoon.

The original Clouseau

Is a bumbling hit.

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Limburglars!

£15,000 worth of cheese was stolen from a lorry parked in a lay-by in Hereford overnight, while the driver slept. The Krafty thieves caerphilly removed pallets containing wheels of an unidentified variety and escaped unfeta-d. A police spokesman stated: 'Ricotta stop these munsters before they strike again'. Extra security is to be laid on for a massive shipment of Bath Olivers due next week.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Village of the Damned (1960) -

 

Final result in:

Wyndham's Midwich Cuckoos - nil,

Rest of the World - one.

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I kid you not...

 Italian priest, Antonio Rungi, is organising an online beauty contest for nuns, to increase their profile within the Catholic Church. The competition, dubbed Miss Sister 2008, starts next month and visitors to his blog can vote for their favourites based on online profiles, with pictures! Though many have led cloistered lives, these modelling novices will be battling to be crowned 'Top Bride of Christ' and win an all-expenses-paid trip to the Vatican to meet Pope Eric Morley and Cardinal Michael Aspel. Keeping with tradition, the final results will be given in reverse holy order.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The French Connection (1971) -

 

Drug dealers beware -

Gene Hackman's had his spinach.

Best car chase in film?

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Harvey's ghost...

 Downing Street are up in arms about Marcus Harvey's portrait of Myra Hyndley, which was shown as part of a promotional video screened in Beijing to demonstrate Britain's rich cultural heritage ahead of the 2012 games. What's all the fuss about? It's a piece of art! It may not represent the height of good taste to some people, but is it any more tasteless than Jack the Ripper tours of Whitechapel or The London Dungeon? C'mon everybody, grow up, after all most of our heritage is based on murder and misdeeds. Let's get as many tourists over here as possible - the Moors, the merrier.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Simpsons Movie (2007) -

 

To put it bluntly,

As Comic Book Guy might say,

Best movie ever!

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Biden his time...

 Barack Obama has finally announced his running mate in the upcoming US presidential election as 65 year-old Delaware senator, Joe Biden. In an unprecedented technological move, the announcement was made to supporters by text message, but unfortunately, due to predictive texting, they were informed that their next vice presidential candidate would be Loom Achedoom, a name unlikely to instil much confidence in floating voters. The other candidates for the position, Virginia governor Tigh Li, Indiana senator Feta Baby and ex-first lady High Backonto, are all yet to comment.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

All The President's Men (1976) -

 

Woodward and Bernstein

Break the Watergate scandal.

No Linda Lovelace!

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Up the Gary...

 Gary Glitter's comeback continued as today he touched down at Heathrow for the final leg of a tour that included appearances in Vietnam, Thailand, Hong Kong (nearly) and now Uxbridge Magistrates' Court. Autograph hunters included the sex offenders register, who are keen for him to sign regularly. Rumours of a duet with Michael Jackson, produced by Jonathan King, are yet to be confirmed, but a pram rock revival appears to be on the cards, with bands like The Bay City Strollers and The Sweets looking to reform.

http://journals.aol.co.uk/lemora/world-of-gruntfuttock/entries/2008/08/14/do-you-wanna-touch-me/1329

 

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Can't Stop The Music (1980) -

Village People in

Something approximating

Film entertainment.

New South Whales

 Things are looking grim for Colin, the baby humpback whale found trying to suckle from yatchs off the Sydney coast. The Australian navy have been called in to try to rescue the calf and guide him out to sea to find a lactating female, but should they fail he will be left to the Japanese navy to deal with, once they have finished battling Godzilla in Yokohama.

 

Apologies for missing yesterday, but I forgot to take my medication. To make up for it I give you not one, but three Haiku Film Reviews:

 

Bullitt (1968) -

Steve McQueen drives fast

And the soundtrack truly rocks,

But it lacks something.

 

The Thomas Crown Affair (1968) -

Steve McQueen plays chess

And the soundtrack truly rocks,

But it lacks something.

 

The Magnificent Seven (1960) -

Steve McQueen rides horse

And the soundtrack truly rocks.

This film lacks nothing!

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Bear-faced cheek...

 Reports today confirm the recall of hundreds of teddy bears from the department store Harrods. The bears, called Michael (8 inches) and Elliott (13 inches), were found to have excessive levels of formaldehyde in their foot-pads, leading experts to wonder if these are in fact stuffed toys or actual taxidermists specimens. Despite store owner Mohamed al-Fayed's protestations, there is no evidence that Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinbear, is behind the recall, as part of a sabotage plot to ruin him.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

La Vie En Rose (2007) -

No, it's not Grace Jones!

This gay icon biopic

Centres on Piaf.

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Take out the trash...

 Fantastic news! The Cartoon  Network are to bring back The Banana Splits. Fleegle, Drooper, Bingo and Snorky are to return to our screens from September. Let's hope they don't mess it up. Ok everyone, 'Tra la la...'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7567776.stm

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Hellboy (2004) -

Isn't it funny

How Ron Perlman always looks

Just like Ron Perlman?

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Is the New Labour Project over?

 Health minister Ivan Lewis today had the effrontery to suggest to Sweet Gordon Brown that an extra tax be levied on the highest earners to support poorer families through the economic downturn. Well excuse me, but isn't this what the Labour Movement was founded for in the first place?

But, what would really make Keir Hardie spin in his grave, is that Mr. Lewis went on to say: 'Yes, protect those on the lowest incomes but also help the hard-working middle classes with large mortgage commitments who are neither rich nor poor, the people who work long hours for their two holidays a year, leisure club membership, meals out with family and friends, and ability to buy their children nice things.'

Two holidays a year? Leisure club membership? Meals out? Nice things? The terms rich and poor obviously have no meaning to this man. There are people in this country who can't afford heating or food at all, and since the shameful abolition of the 10p tax rate many are finding it hard to make ends meet. I don't want to seem like a spoil-sport, but get your priorities right mate! Or stick to health matters.

 

On a lighter note, here is today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Gunga Din (1939) -

Not anything like

'Carry On Up The Khyber'.

Exceedingly good.

Just in...

 Bin laden found in Huddersfield.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Sixth Sense (1999) -

I see dead people.

Not to give away the twist,

But Bruce Willis is...

 

In the news today...

Women's Rights campaigners today urged the government to toughen up licensing laws and reclassify lapdancing clubs as 'sex encounter establishments'. This would bring them into line with sex shops, adult cinemas, schools, internet cafes and the fruit & veg aisle of Morrisons.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Sabrina (1954) -

Bogart and Hepburn

In an era when grooming

Was just for horses.

The following is an advertisement, sort of...

My attention has been drawn to three spectacular new publications, entitled 'Haiku Film Reviews', 'Haiku Horror Film Reviews' and 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews', all penned by Guy Samson. Available for the meagre sum of £5 each or £12 for all three, plus postage and packing, by e-mailing lemora@aol.com, these works of an obvious genius briefly and accurately sum up all your fave films. Here's a sample:

 

Das Boot (1981) -

German perspective 

Puts boot on the other foot.

Best with sub-titles.                                                                                                     

Do you wanna touch me?

'Hello! Hello! It's good to be back, it's good to be back!' Yes, the leader himself is back from his sojourn at the Vietnamese government's pleasure. His new single, 'I didn't know I loved you (til I saw your Barbie doll)' is out next week; fortunately he isn't. C'mon everybody, did you miss me?