It lives!

Attention!!!
The new address for this blog is
http://worldofgruntfuttock.blogspot.com/
You are commanded to go there now.

The end of an era...

Bad news I'm afraid folks. It appears that AOL are closing down their blog sites very soon, so this will be my last post at this address. Fear not though, as I shall be relocating on blogger in the next couple of days. Keep 'em peeled for details of my new address.

Keep on truckin'.

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (1937) -

Happy, Dopey, Doc,
Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy and...
Who's the other one?

Busted Rhymes

US Rapper and ugly one in The Pussycat Dolls, Busta Rhymes has won a high court battle to stay in the country, after being held under armed guard for 12 hours at London City Airport. He is performing at the Royal Albert Hall for Orange RockCorps, but his passport was red flagged because of 'unresolved convictions' in the US. When stopped at immigration he allegedly stated "Can't ID me. There's not a problem my squad can't fix; pass the courvoisier."

Many apologies for not writing anything for a few days, but I've had problems of a PC nature. I am pleased to announce, however, that Mark Kermode saw fit to plug my book 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews' on BBC Radio Five Live today:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00dk801

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001) -

With Kubrick now dead,
Steven Spielberg had a go,
A, I, A, I ... D'oh!

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Move over Darling...

 Fasten your seatbelts! Chancellor Alistair Darling has warned of a "bumpy road ahead" for the economy in the months to come, during his keynote address at the Labour Party conference. But he went on to assure everyone that we were in capable hands under the current Prime Minister, with the experience and judgement to guide us through "very uncertain times". His powerful oration silenced his critics and will certainly bring an end to calls for both men to step down.

In completely unrelated news, David Milibrand has allegedly been seen shopping for new curtains.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

All About Eve (1950) -

 

Bitchiness abounds

In this Hollywood classic.

Bette Davis on fire!

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Remember The Alamo!

 FBI agents and police have raided the compound of evangelist group The Tony Alamo Christian Ministries in Fouke, south of Texarkana, Arkansas, in an investigation into alleged child pornography. Their leader, Tony Alamo, has previously been convicted of tax evasion and accused of child abuse, though he stated he was not "into pornography": why bother with pictures when you can have the real thing. The 'church' opposes homosexuality, the US government and, interestingly, Catholicism - they appear to be happy with the Father and the Son, but find the Holy Ghost to be a bit of a gooseberry!

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Miracle on 34th Street (1947) -

 

See courtroom drama,

As old man makes mockery

Of jurisprudence.

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Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Astrakhan

 Millionaire author JK Rowling, creator of the Harry Potter franchise, has donated £1m to the Labour Party, they announced today. She stated that she approved of Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown's record on child poverty and rejected Conservative tax plans. The donation, however, is unlikely to make much of a dent in the £18m debt that the party amassed in the last general election campaign, unless Jack 'Sid James' Dromey, party treasurer, can come up with some cunning investment scheme.

 Gordon Aloysius Brown

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Groundhog Day (1993) -

 

Repetitious? No!

A film you'll watch again and

Again and again.

Gordon Brown, texture like scum...

 Team GB has arrived in Manchester ahead of the Labour Party conference, which starts tomorrow and is likely to be a tough ride for the PM. Whilst visiting a local school he said: "This is the best job in the world, because every day there are new challenges. But every day you get up in the morning saying, 'how can I help make things better?'" Even the kids didn't have to think too hard about that one.

 

On the Haiku front, I've got good news - my three published works, 'Haiku Film Reviews', 'Haiku Horror Film Reviews' and 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews', are now all available at selected retail outlets including The Cinema Store, Gosh! Comics, Orbital Comics and the BFI Shop (all in the London area only, I'm afraid). Happy Shopping!

Turn of the screw

Good news! Here at the Ministry of Justice we are pleased to announce that the prison population has risen to 83,518 (which is only 648 below the operational maximum), and is set to rise to 95,800 by 2015. That's an increase of nearly 15%. Our critics may point out that this estimate is actually lower than previous ones and hence that crime figures may be falling, but let us reassure you that this is solely due to gross mismanagement and the early release of potentially dangerous offenders.

We're doing our bit, so why not do yours? If you know anybody who deserves to be 'inside', or even if you fancy a spell at Her Majesty's pleasure yourself, contact us at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Cool Hand Luke (1967) -

 

Some see Paul Newman

As a Christ allegory.

Eggs-traordinary!

 

 

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Suicide is painless...

Following a recent spate of teenage suicides in Bridgend, South Wales, blamed on so-called 'suicide websites', here at the Ministry of Justice we are keen to reassure worried parents that we intend to tighten up the 1961 Suicide Act, to include new digital media. This will mean updating the language of the act so that the operators of sites that promote suicide can be prosecuted, helping to ensure that "the internet is not a lawless environment". Unfortunately, we can do nothing about South Wales.

If you know anyone who is considering committing suicide, please let us know at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom and we will ensure that they are prosecuted under the full weight of the law.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

La Bete (The Beast)  (1975) -

 

Bestiality

Dressed up as costume drama.

Truly demented.

 

 

 

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The Great Gig in the Sky

 Founder member of Pink Floyd, keyboard player Richard Wright, has died aged 65. He will be sorely missed. Wish he was here. No joke.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

More (1969) -

 

Pink Floyd soundtrack rocks,

But as for the film itself:

Impenetrable.

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I got the power...

 Finally, an historic power-sharing deal has been signed in Zimbabwe, between Robert Mugabe and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai. The deal leaves Mugabe as president, but installs Tsvangirai as prime minister with a 50-50 control over the council of ministers. This is bound to work smoothly, and no-one can foresee any problems arising from split control over the police and the military; the economy is set to recover and Zimbabwe will win the next Cricket World Cup.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Live and Let Die (1973) -

 

Roger Moore steps in

To defeat voodoo gangsters.

Macca does the theme.

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Lourdes, love a duck...

 Pope Benito XVI has been leading 50,000 pilgrims in Mass at Lourdes, to celebrate the 150th anniversary of a 14-year-old peasant girl having a psychotic episode. Although he stated that he was not expecting any miracles, it is rumoured that Gordon Brown has requested a special audience prior to next week's Labour Party conference.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Pope Must Die (1991) -

 

Comic Strip cronies

Take on the Catholic Church,

But nobody wins.

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Deal or no deal...

 Presenter and all-round tosspot Noel Edmonds has decided to stop paying his television licence fee. Having worked for the BBC for 30 years, he now says that their advertising campaign for licence payment is too 'aggressive' by focusing on the penalties of not getting one, as opposed to the 'quality programming' it goes towards. He is, however, looking to swap a copy of I Wanna Be A Winner by Brown Sauce on 7" and a slighty used Scalextric for a current colour licence.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Zardoz (1974) -

 

See Sean Connery

With a nappy and huge 'tache!

Bonkers sci-fi romp.

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Holloween

Justice Minister Jack Straw cordially invites you to a special Halloween fancy dress party to be held at midnight on 31 October, 2008, at H. M. Prison Holloway, North London. Come and join in all the fun with real convicted murderers and get your picture printed in The Sun.

R.S.V.P. Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Halloween (1978) -

 

Michael Myers loose,

October Thirty-first, night:

Asking for trouble!

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Cause for con-Cerne...

 The Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset is in need of re-chalking. The 180ft fertility symbol has become obscured by moss and vegetation after an exceptionally wet summer, worsened by a lack of grazing by sheep. Conservationists are on the lookout for volunteers to help put the chalk back in his pencil and restore the colossus to his former morning glory.

Also in the news today, an American dancer called Abdur-Rahim Jackson was stopped twice by security personnel at an Israeli airport and told to perform his dance routines. He claims he was singled out because of his Muslim name and described the whole experience as embarrassing. As a result, he is said to be considering changing his name - Sheik Yabouti is definitely out, but perhaps Menachem Beguine or Shimmy Peres might be more applicable. If you have any better suggestions please post them here.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Now, Voyager (1942) -

'Why reach for the stars',

Says Bette, whilst smoking a fag,

'When we have the moon?'

Cause for con-Cern...

The so-called 'Big Bang' experiment began as planned this morning at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The £5bn machine is designed to track down the 'god particle', otherwise known as Higgs bison (pictured above), which may be the origin of all matter. Some alarmists have claimed, however, that the experiment may give rise to black holes which could swallow up the whole planet and lead to the destruction of mankind. The question remains: if Switzerland disappears into a black hole, how many weeks will it take the rest of the world to notice?

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Black Hole (1979) -

 

Dark Disney sci-fi.

What lies beyond the black hole?

Walt's frozen remains.

 

Also, check out http://www.sethcomedy.com

 

Kim Jong Ill?

 Speculation abounds regarding the state of health of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il,  after he failed to turn up at the country's 60th anniversary celebrations. According to Team America, World Police, the 'Dear Leader' has not been seen in public for over a month, and may be suffering from chronic heart disease and diabetes; sources closer to man himself state that he's just feeling 'ronery'.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Team America: World Police (2004) -

 

Puppet action flick?

Eat your heart out 'Thunderbirds',

Parker ain't no fool.

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Freshly squeezed

 Actor and former American football star D'oh J Simpson is to go on trial again in Las Vegas on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery. The case centres around the alleged theft of sports memoribilia, including the suit he wore when he was acquitted of the murders of his wife and her 'friend', and if found guilty he could face life imprisonment. Chief Wiggum is confident of securing a conviction.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Bad Timing (1980) -

 

A Roeg's gallery

Of dysfunctional nutters,

Or Art for art's sake?

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Sealed bids now being accepted

Here at the Ministry of Justice we are pleased to announce that we are now accepting tenders from external contractors to handle sensitive information held in disc form. Sealed bids should be submitted by post to Jack Straw at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom, by 12 September, 2008.

Please note that if you do not hear back from us within one week of the closing date you can assume that your application has been left on the tube.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

O Lucky Man! (1973) -

 

Alan Price borrowed

My mate's Miles Davis tapes and

Never gave them back!                                                               

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In a world where...

 Tragic news for all movie buffs: the death of Don LaFontaine earlier this week in LA. You may not recognise his picture or even know his name, but you'd certainly know his voice, as he was responsible for over 5,000 film trailers over the last 43 years. The voice-over king worked on everything from Dr. Strangelove to The Terminator and Rocky, and also recorded a host of TV and radio ads. He will be sorely missed, in a cinema near you soon.

 

On a lighter note, here's today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Performance (1970) -

 

The Fox and The Stone:

This counter-culture classic

Is no Disney flick.

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Lipstick on your collar

 

New publicity picture of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin released.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Devil in Miss Jones (1973) -

 

Depressed Miss Jones learns

Suicide is not painless.

Still, they say 'love' hurts!

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Let me stand next to your fire...

 A burnt Fender Stratocaster guitar, formerly belonging to rock legend Jimi Hendrix, is to go on sale at an auction of rock memoribilia in London. Also up for sale are what are claimed to be the only remaining fingerprints of Elvis Presley, on a gun permit.

Police investigating the arson attack and murders at the Foster mansion are said to be 'looking into the matter'.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Godfather: Part III (1990) -

 

They pull me back in

Just when I thought I was out,

To paraphrase Al.

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Chants would be a fine thing...

 Good news for Amy Crackhouse fans - she's converted to Buddhism. According to The Sun, she was inspired by a YouTube clip of Tina Turner chanting (!), and has taken to medicating (sic) for ten minutes every morning and before bed. Apparently, she has a string of Buddhist beads, which she keeps in a red silk scarf; not quite a snooker ball in a sock, but it's the next best thing.

She will be performing this weekend at the Isle of Wight Bestival, dressed as a mermaid: they tried to make her go to Sealab, but she said 'No, no, no'.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Odd Couple (1968) -

 

Male flatshare without

Homo-erotic subtext.

That's what Simon says.

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Poll to Poll...

 How much do we know about Sarah Palin, Republican candidate for vice president of the United States of America, and possibly soon  to be the most powerful woman on the planet? Well, she's a hard-line social conservative, pro-life, devout Christian, former beauty queen and sometime sportscaster, with a lifetime membership of the NRA, who comes from Alaska. On the plus side, however, she is currently under investigation for allegedly sacking a state public safety commissioner who refused to dismiss  a state trooper who was involved in a messy divorce with her younger sister, despite her anti-corruption stance, and her unmarried 17 year-old daughter has just 'fallen' pregnant. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy!

 

Today's Haiku Fim Review:

 

The Story of 'O' (1975) -

 

Once upon a time

S & M was popular

Amongst the gentry.

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There ain't nothing like a Dame...

 In a 'shock' revelation in GQ Magazine, Dame Helen Mirren has admitted to doing cocaine in the '80s. The actress stated that she "loved coke", but stopped after learning that Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie was making money from it in South America. She then went on to say that she had met the Queen at Ascot this year and had indulged in some "horsey chat". Is this some thinly veiled drug reference? If so, the British public deserve to know that their monarch is a secret smackhead. And could the Royal Family have ties to Germany? Where will it all end?

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989) -

 

Greenaway's entry

Into comedy canon:

Carrion Eating.

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The House of the Rising Tide

 As Hurricane Gustav speeds its way towards the Louisiana coast, Mayor Ray Nagin has warned residents to get their 'butts out of New Orleans now' as emergency services would not be available to those who chose to stay. So, no change there then. Meanwhile, Republicans ever mindful of the catastrophic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina are starting to worry ... that it might upset their upcoming convention and the official announcement of Sarah Palin's vice presidential candidacy. Sources close to Senator McCain have stated that a natural disaster of this magnitude could put a 'real damper' on the event, and the hurricane won't help much either.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Gone with the Wind (1939) -

 

Romance blooms despite

American Civil War.

Big in Atlanta.

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Putin the boot in

 Are we on the verge of a new Cold War? Foreign Secretary David Milibland has warned the Kremlin about the dangers of isolating itself over its stance on the breakaway republics of South Ossetia and Abkhazia (worth 26 points in Scrabble), but Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (18 points) has been meeting with leaders from China and the 'stans. This could lead to the formation of a rival to NATO, in the manifestation of a Central Asian Treaty Organisation, or CATO. Here's where our problem starts: as we all know, the only person capable of defeating CATO is Inspector Clouseau, and we don't want to have to rely on the French!

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Pink Panther (1963) -

 

Forget the cartoon.

The original Clouseau

Is a bumbling hit.

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Limburglars!

£15,000 worth of cheese was stolen from a lorry parked in a lay-by in Hereford overnight, while the driver slept. The Krafty thieves caerphilly removed pallets containing wheels of an unidentified variety and escaped unfeta-d. A police spokesman stated: 'Ricotta stop these munsters before they strike again'. Extra security is to be laid on for a massive shipment of Bath Olivers due next week.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Village of the Damned (1960) -

 

Final result in:

Wyndham's Midwich Cuckoos - nil,

Rest of the World - one.

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I kid you not...

 Italian priest, Antonio Rungi, is organising an online beauty contest for nuns, to increase their profile within the Catholic Church. The competition, dubbed Miss Sister 2008, starts next month and visitors to his blog can vote for their favourites based on online profiles, with pictures! Though many have led cloistered lives, these modelling novices will be battling to be crowned 'Top Bride of Christ' and win an all-expenses-paid trip to the Vatican to meet Pope Eric Morley and Cardinal Michael Aspel. Keeping with tradition, the final results will be given in reverse holy order.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The French Connection (1971) -

 

Drug dealers beware -

Gene Hackman's had his spinach.

Best car chase in film?

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Harvey's ghost...

 Downing Street are up in arms about Marcus Harvey's portrait of Myra Hyndley, which was shown as part of a promotional video screened in Beijing to demonstrate Britain's rich cultural heritage ahead of the 2012 games. What's all the fuss about? It's a piece of art! It may not represent the height of good taste to some people, but is it any more tasteless than Jack the Ripper tours of Whitechapel or The London Dungeon? C'mon everybody, grow up, after all most of our heritage is based on murder and misdeeds. Let's get as many tourists over here as possible - the Moors, the merrier.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Simpsons Movie (2007) -

 

To put it bluntly,

As Comic Book Guy might say,

Best movie ever!

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Biden his time...

 Barack Obama has finally announced his running mate in the upcoming US presidential election as 65 year-old Delaware senator, Joe Biden. In an unprecedented technological move, the announcement was made to supporters by text message, but unfortunately, due to predictive texting, they were informed that their next vice presidential candidate would be Loom Achedoom, a name unlikely to instil much confidence in floating voters. The other candidates for the position, Virginia governor Tigh Li, Indiana senator Feta Baby and ex-first lady High Backonto, are all yet to comment.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

All The President's Men (1976) -

 

Woodward and Bernstein

Break the Watergate scandal.

No Linda Lovelace!

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Up the Gary...

 Gary Glitter's comeback continued as today he touched down at Heathrow for the final leg of a tour that included appearances in Vietnam, Thailand, Hong Kong (nearly) and now Uxbridge Magistrates' Court. Autograph hunters included the sex offenders register, who are keen for him to sign regularly. Rumours of a duet with Michael Jackson, produced by Jonathan King, are yet to be confirmed, but a pram rock revival appears to be on the cards, with bands like The Bay City Strollers and The Sweets looking to reform.

http://journals.aol.co.uk/lemora/world-of-gruntfuttock/entries/2008/08/14/do-you-wanna-touch-me/1329

 

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Can't Stop The Music (1980) -

Village People in

Something approximating

Film entertainment.

New South Whales

 Things are looking grim for Colin, the baby humpback whale found trying to suckle from yatchs off the Sydney coast. The Australian navy have been called in to try to rescue the calf and guide him out to sea to find a lactating female, but should they fail he will be left to the Japanese navy to deal with, once they have finished battling Godzilla in Yokohama.

 

Apologies for missing yesterday, but I forgot to take my medication. To make up for it I give you not one, but three Haiku Film Reviews:

 

Bullitt (1968) -

Steve McQueen drives fast

And the soundtrack truly rocks,

But it lacks something.

 

The Thomas Crown Affair (1968) -

Steve McQueen plays chess

And the soundtrack truly rocks,

But it lacks something.

 

The Magnificent Seven (1960) -

Steve McQueen rides horse

And the soundtrack truly rocks.

This film lacks nothing!

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Bear-faced cheek...

 Reports today confirm the recall of hundreds of teddy bears from the department store Harrods. The bears, called Michael (8 inches) and Elliott (13 inches), were found to have excessive levels of formaldehyde in their foot-pads, leading experts to wonder if these are in fact stuffed toys or actual taxidermists specimens. Despite store owner Mohamed al-Fayed's protestations, there is no evidence that Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinbear, is behind the recall, as part of a sabotage plot to ruin him.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

La Vie En Rose (2007) -

No, it's not Grace Jones!

This gay icon biopic

Centres on Piaf.

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Take out the trash...

 Fantastic news! The Cartoon  Network are to bring back The Banana Splits. Fleegle, Drooper, Bingo and Snorky are to return to our screens from September. Let's hope they don't mess it up. Ok everyone, 'Tra la la...'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7567776.stm

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Hellboy (2004) -

Isn't it funny

How Ron Perlman always looks

Just like Ron Perlman?

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Is the New Labour Project over?

 Health minister Ivan Lewis today had the effrontery to suggest to Sweet Gordon Brown that an extra tax be levied on the highest earners to support poorer families through the economic downturn. Well excuse me, but isn't this what the Labour Movement was founded for in the first place?

But, what would really make Keir Hardie spin in his grave, is that Mr. Lewis went on to say: 'Yes, protect those on the lowest incomes but also help the hard-working middle classes with large mortgage commitments who are neither rich nor poor, the people who work long hours for their two holidays a year, leisure club membership, meals out with family and friends, and ability to buy their children nice things.'

Two holidays a year? Leisure club membership? Meals out? Nice things? The terms rich and poor obviously have no meaning to this man. There are people in this country who can't afford heating or food at all, and since the shameful abolition of the 10p tax rate many are finding it hard to make ends meet. I don't want to seem like a spoil-sport, but get your priorities right mate! Or stick to health matters.

 

On a lighter note, here is today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Gunga Din (1939) -

Not anything like

'Carry On Up The Khyber'.

Exceedingly good.

Just in...

 Bin laden found in Huddersfield.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Sixth Sense (1999) -

I see dead people.

Not to give away the twist,

But Bruce Willis is...

 

In the news today...

Women's Rights campaigners today urged the government to toughen up licensing laws and reclassify lapdancing clubs as 'sex encounter establishments'. This would bring them into line with sex shops, adult cinemas, schools, internet cafes and the fruit & veg aisle of Morrisons.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Sabrina (1954) -

Bogart and Hepburn

In an era when grooming

Was just for horses.

The following is an advertisement, sort of...

My attention has been drawn to three spectacular new publications, entitled 'Haiku Film Reviews', 'Haiku Horror Film Reviews' and 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews', all penned by Guy Samson. Available for the meagre sum of £5 each or £12 for all three, plus postage and packing, by e-mailing lemora@aol.com, these works of an obvious genius briefly and accurately sum up all your fave films. Here's a sample:

 

Das Boot (1981) -

German perspective 

Puts boot on the other foot.

Best with sub-titles.                                                                                                     

Do you wanna touch me?

'Hello! Hello! It's good to be back, it's good to be back!' Yes, the leader himself is back from his sojourn at the Vietnamese government's pleasure. His new single, 'I didn't know I loved you (til I saw your Barbie doll)' is out next week; fortunately he isn't. C'mon everybody, did you miss me?