Friday 26 September 2008

Busted Rhymes

US Rapper and ugly one in The Pussycat Dolls, Busta Rhymes has won a high court battle to stay in the country, after being held under armed guard for 12 hours at London City Airport. He is performing at the Royal Albert Hall for Orange RockCorps, but his passport was red flagged because of 'unresolved convictions' in the US. When stopped at immigration he allegedly stated "Can't ID me. There's not a problem my squad can't fix; pass the courvoisier."

Many apologies for not writing anything for a few days, but I've had problems of a PC nature. I am pleased to announce, however, that Mark Kermode saw fit to plug my book 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews' on BBC Radio Five Live today:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00dk801

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001) -

With Kubrick now dead,
Steven Spielberg had a go,
A, I, A, I ... D'oh!

Monday 22 September 2008

Move over Darling...

 Fasten your seatbelts! Chancellor Alistair Darling has warned of a "bumpy road ahead" for the economy in the months to come, during his keynote address at the Labour Party conference. But he went on to assure everyone that we were in capable hands under the current Prime Minister, with the experience and judgement to guide us through "very uncertain times". His powerful oration silenced his critics and will certainly bring an end to calls for both men to step down.

In completely unrelated news, David Milibrand has allegedly been seen shopping for new curtains.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

All About Eve (1950) -

 

Bitchiness abounds

In this Hollywood classic.

Bette Davis on fire!

Sunday 21 September 2008

Remember The Alamo!

 FBI agents and police have raided the compound of evangelist group The Tony Alamo Christian Ministries in Fouke, south of Texarkana, Arkansas, in an investigation into alleged child pornography. Their leader, Tony Alamo, has previously been convicted of tax evasion and accused of child abuse, though he stated he was not "into pornography": why bother with pictures when you can have the real thing. The 'church' opposes homosexuality, the US government and, interestingly, Catholicism - they appear to be happy with the Father and the Son, but find the Holy Ghost to be a bit of a gooseberry!

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Miracle on 34th Street (1947) -

 

See courtroom drama,

As old man makes mockery

Of jurisprudence.

Saturday 20 September 2008

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Astrakhan

 Millionaire author JK Rowling, creator of the Harry Potter franchise, has donated £1m to the Labour Party, they announced today. She stated that she approved of Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown's record on child poverty and rejected Conservative tax plans. The donation, however, is unlikely to make much of a dent in the £18m debt that the party amassed in the last general election campaign, unless Jack 'Sid James' Dromey, party treasurer, can come up with some cunning investment scheme.

 Gordon Aloysius Brown

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Groundhog Day (1993) -

 

Repetitious? No!

A film you'll watch again and

Again and again.

Friday 19 September 2008

Gordon Brown, texture like scum...

 Team GB has arrived in Manchester ahead of the Labour Party conference, which starts tomorrow and is likely to be a tough ride for the PM. Whilst visiting a local school he said: "This is the best job in the world, because every day there are new challenges. But every day you get up in the morning saying, 'how can I help make things better?'" Even the kids didn't have to think too hard about that one.

 

On the Haiku front, I've got good news - my three published works, 'Haiku Film Reviews', 'Haiku Horror Film Reviews' and 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews', are now all available at selected retail outlets including The Cinema Store, Gosh! Comics, Orbital Comics and the BFI Shop (all in the London area only, I'm afraid). Happy Shopping!

Thursday 18 September 2008

Turn of the screw

Good news! Here at the Ministry of Justice we are pleased to announce that the prison population has risen to 83,518 (which is only 648 below the operational maximum), and is set to rise to 95,800 by 2015. That's an increase of nearly 15%. Our critics may point out that this estimate is actually lower than previous ones and hence that crime figures may be falling, but let us reassure you that this is solely due to gross mismanagement and the early release of potentially dangerous offenders.

We're doing our bit, so why not do yours? If you know anybody who deserves to be 'inside', or even if you fancy a spell at Her Majesty's pleasure yourself, contact us at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Cool Hand Luke (1967) -

 

Some see Paul Newman

As a Christ allegory.

Eggs-traordinary!

 

 

Wednesday 17 September 2008

Suicide is painless...

Following a recent spate of teenage suicides in Bridgend, South Wales, blamed on so-called 'suicide websites', here at the Ministry of Justice we are keen to reassure worried parents that we intend to tighten up the 1961 Suicide Act, to include new digital media. This will mean updating the language of the act so that the operators of sites that promote suicide can be prosecuted, helping to ensure that "the internet is not a lawless environment". Unfortunately, we can do nothing about South Wales.

If you know anyone who is considering committing suicide, please let us know at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom and we will ensure that they are prosecuted under the full weight of the law.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

La Bete (The Beast)  (1975) -

 

Bestiality

Dressed up as costume drama.

Truly demented.

 

 

 

Tuesday 16 September 2008

The Great Gig in the Sky

 Founder member of Pink Floyd, keyboard player Richard Wright, has died aged 65. He will be sorely missed. Wish he was here. No joke.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

More (1969) -

 

Pink Floyd soundtrack rocks,

But as for the film itself:

Impenetrable.

Monday 15 September 2008

I got the power...

 Finally, an historic power-sharing deal has been signed in Zimbabwe, between Robert Mugabe and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai. The deal leaves Mugabe as president, but installs Tsvangirai as prime minister with a 50-50 control over the council of ministers. This is bound to work smoothly, and no-one can foresee any problems arising from split control over the police and the military; the economy is set to recover and Zimbabwe will win the next Cricket World Cup.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Live and Let Die (1973) -

 

Roger Moore steps in

To defeat voodoo gangsters.

Macca does the theme.

Sunday 14 September 2008

Lourdes, love a duck...

 Pope Benito XVI has been leading 50,000 pilgrims in Mass at Lourdes, to celebrate the 150th anniversary of a 14-year-old peasant girl having a psychotic episode. Although he stated that he was not expecting any miracles, it is rumoured that Gordon Brown has requested a special audience prior to next week's Labour Party conference.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Pope Must Die (1991) -

 

Comic Strip cronies

Take on the Catholic Church,

But nobody wins.

Saturday 13 September 2008

Deal or no deal...

 Presenter and all-round tosspot Noel Edmonds has decided to stop paying his television licence fee. Having worked for the BBC for 30 years, he now says that their advertising campaign for licence payment is too 'aggressive' by focusing on the penalties of not getting one, as opposed to the 'quality programming' it goes towards. He is, however, looking to swap a copy of I Wanna Be A Winner by Brown Sauce on 7" and a slighty used Scalextric for a current colour licence.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Zardoz (1974) -

 

See Sean Connery

With a nappy and huge 'tache!

Bonkers sci-fi romp.

Friday 12 September 2008

Holloween

Justice Minister Jack Straw cordially invites you to a special Halloween fancy dress party to be held at midnight on 31 October, 2008, at H. M. Prison Holloway, North London. Come and join in all the fun with real convicted murderers and get your picture printed in The Sun.

R.S.V.P. Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Halloween (1978) -

 

Michael Myers loose,

October Thirty-first, night:

Asking for trouble!

Thursday 11 September 2008

Cause for con-Cerne...

 The Cerne Abbas Giant in Dorset is in need of re-chalking. The 180ft fertility symbol has become obscured by moss and vegetation after an exceptionally wet summer, worsened by a lack of grazing by sheep. Conservationists are on the lookout for volunteers to help put the chalk back in his pencil and restore the colossus to his former morning glory.

Also in the news today, an American dancer called Abdur-Rahim Jackson was stopped twice by security personnel at an Israeli airport and told to perform his dance routines. He claims he was singled out because of his Muslim name and described the whole experience as embarrassing. As a result, he is said to be considering changing his name - Sheik Yabouti is definitely out, but perhaps Menachem Beguine or Shimmy Peres might be more applicable. If you have any better suggestions please post them here.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Now, Voyager (1942) -

'Why reach for the stars',

Says Bette, whilst smoking a fag,

'When we have the moon?'

Wednesday 10 September 2008

Cause for con-Cern...

The so-called 'Big Bang' experiment began as planned this morning at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. The £5bn machine is designed to track down the 'god particle', otherwise known as Higgs bison (pictured above), which may be the origin of all matter. Some alarmists have claimed, however, that the experiment may give rise to black holes which could swallow up the whole planet and lead to the destruction of mankind. The question remains: if Switzerland disappears into a black hole, how many weeks will it take the rest of the world to notice?

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Black Hole (1979) -

 

Dark Disney sci-fi.

What lies beyond the black hole?

Walt's frozen remains.

 

Also, check out http://www.sethcomedy.com

 

Tuesday 9 September 2008

Kim Jong Ill?

 Speculation abounds regarding the state of health of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il,  after he failed to turn up at the country's 60th anniversary celebrations. According to Team America, World Police, the 'Dear Leader' has not been seen in public for over a month, and may be suffering from chronic heart disease and diabetes; sources closer to man himself state that he's just feeling 'ronery'.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Team America: World Police (2004) -

 

Puppet action flick?

Eat your heart out 'Thunderbirds',

Parker ain't no fool.

Monday 8 September 2008

Freshly squeezed

 Actor and former American football star D'oh J Simpson is to go on trial again in Las Vegas on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery. The case centres around the alleged theft of sports memoribilia, including the suit he wore when he was acquitted of the murders of his wife and her 'friend', and if found guilty he could face life imprisonment. Chief Wiggum is confident of securing a conviction.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Bad Timing (1980) -

 

A Roeg's gallery

Of dysfunctional nutters,

Or Art for art's sake?

Sunday 7 September 2008

Sealed bids now being accepted

Here at the Ministry of Justice we are pleased to announce that we are now accepting tenders from external contractors to handle sensitive information held in disc form. Sealed bids should be submitted by post to Jack Straw at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom, by 12 September, 2008.

Please note that if you do not hear back from us within one week of the closing date you can assume that your application has been left on the tube.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

O Lucky Man! (1973) -

 

Alan Price borrowed

My mate's Miles Davis tapes and

Never gave them back!                                                               

Saturday 6 September 2008

In a world where...

 Tragic news for all movie buffs: the death of Don LaFontaine earlier this week in LA. You may not recognise his picture or even know his name, but you'd certainly know his voice, as he was responsible for over 5,000 film trailers over the last 43 years. The voice-over king worked on everything from Dr. Strangelove to The Terminator and Rocky, and also recorded a host of TV and radio ads. He will be sorely missed, in a cinema near you soon.

 

On a lighter note, here's today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Performance (1970) -

 

The Fox and The Stone:

This counter-culture classic

Is no Disney flick.

Friday 5 September 2008

Lipstick on your collar

 

New publicity picture of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin released.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Devil in Miss Jones (1973) -

 

Depressed Miss Jones learns

Suicide is not painless.

Still, they say 'love' hurts!

Thursday 4 September 2008

Let me stand next to your fire...

 A burnt Fender Stratocaster guitar, formerly belonging to rock legend Jimi Hendrix, is to go on sale at an auction of rock memoribilia in London. Also up for sale are what are claimed to be the only remaining fingerprints of Elvis Presley, on a gun permit.

Police investigating the arson attack and murders at the Foster mansion are said to be 'looking into the matter'.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Godfather: Part III (1990) -

 

They pull me back in

Just when I thought I was out,

To paraphrase Al.

Wednesday 3 September 2008

Chants would be a fine thing...

 Good news for Amy Crackhouse fans - she's converted to Buddhism. According to The Sun, she was inspired by a YouTube clip of Tina Turner chanting (!), and has taken to medicating (sic) for ten minutes every morning and before bed. Apparently, she has a string of Buddhist beads, which she keeps in a red silk scarf; not quite a snooker ball in a sock, but it's the next best thing.

She will be performing this weekend at the Isle of Wight Bestival, dressed as a mermaid: they tried to make her go to Sealab, but she said 'No, no, no'.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Odd Couple (1968) -

 

Male flatshare without

Homo-erotic subtext.

That's what Simon says.

Tuesday 2 September 2008

Poll to Poll...

 How much do we know about Sarah Palin, Republican candidate for vice president of the United States of America, and possibly soon  to be the most powerful woman on the planet? Well, she's a hard-line social conservative, pro-life, devout Christian, former beauty queen and sometime sportscaster, with a lifetime membership of the NRA, who comes from Alaska. On the plus side, however, she is currently under investigation for allegedly sacking a state public safety commissioner who refused to dismiss  a state trooper who was involved in a messy divorce with her younger sister, despite her anti-corruption stance, and her unmarried 17 year-old daughter has just 'fallen' pregnant. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy!

 

Today's Haiku Fim Review:

 

The Story of 'O' (1975) -

 

Once upon a time

S & M was popular

Amongst the gentry.

Monday 1 September 2008

There ain't nothing like a Dame...

 In a 'shock' revelation in GQ Magazine, Dame Helen Mirren has admitted to doing cocaine in the '80s. The actress stated that she "loved coke", but stopped after learning that Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie was making money from it in South America. She then went on to say that she had met the Queen at Ascot this year and had indulged in some "horsey chat". Is this some thinly veiled drug reference? If so, the British public deserve to know that their monarch is a secret smackhead. And could the Royal Family have ties to Germany? Where will it all end?

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989) -

 

Greenaway's entry

Into comedy canon:

Carrion Eating.