Friday, 26 September 2008

Busted Rhymes

US Rapper and ugly one in The Pussycat Dolls, Busta Rhymes has won a high court battle to stay in the country, after being held under armed guard for 12 hours at London City Airport. He is performing at the Royal Albert Hall for Orange RockCorps, but his passport was red flagged because of 'unresolved convictions' in the US. When stopped at immigration he allegedly stated "Can't ID me. There's not a problem my squad can't fix; pass the courvoisier."

Many apologies for not writing anything for a few days, but I've had problems of a PC nature. I am pleased to announce, however, that Mark Kermode saw fit to plug my book 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews' on BBC Radio Five Live today:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00dk801

Today's Haiku Film Review:

Artificial Intelligence: AI (2001) -

With Kubrick now dead,
Steven Spielberg had a go,
A, I, A, I ... D'oh!

Monday, 22 September 2008

Move over Darling...

 Fasten your seatbelts! Chancellor Alistair Darling has warned of a "bumpy road ahead" for the economy in the months to come, during his keynote address at the Labour Party conference. But he went on to assure everyone that we were in capable hands under the current Prime Minister, with the experience and judgement to guide us through "very uncertain times". His powerful oration silenced his critics and will certainly bring an end to calls for both men to step down.

In completely unrelated news, David Milibrand has allegedly been seen shopping for new curtains.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

All About Eve (1950) -

 

Bitchiness abounds

In this Hollywood classic.

Bette Davis on fire!

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Remember The Alamo!

 FBI agents and police have raided the compound of evangelist group The Tony Alamo Christian Ministries in Fouke, south of Texarkana, Arkansas, in an investigation into alleged child pornography. Their leader, Tony Alamo, has previously been convicted of tax evasion and accused of child abuse, though he stated he was not "into pornography": why bother with pictures when you can have the real thing. The 'church' opposes homosexuality, the US government and, interestingly, Catholicism - they appear to be happy with the Father and the Son, but find the Holy Ghost to be a bit of a gooseberry!

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Miracle on 34th Street (1947) -

 

See courtroom drama,

As old man makes mockery

Of jurisprudence.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Astrakhan

 Millionaire author JK Rowling, creator of the Harry Potter franchise, has donated £1m to the Labour Party, they announced today. She stated that she approved of Gordon 'Aloysius' Brown's record on child poverty and rejected Conservative tax plans. The donation, however, is unlikely to make much of a dent in the £18m debt that the party amassed in the last general election campaign, unless Jack 'Sid James' Dromey, party treasurer, can come up with some cunning investment scheme.

 Gordon Aloysius Brown

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Groundhog Day (1993) -

 

Repetitious? No!

A film you'll watch again and

Again and again.

Friday, 19 September 2008

Gordon Brown, texture like scum...

 Team GB has arrived in Manchester ahead of the Labour Party conference, which starts tomorrow and is likely to be a tough ride for the PM. Whilst visiting a local school he said: "This is the best job in the world, because every day there are new challenges. But every day you get up in the morning saying, 'how can I help make things better?'" Even the kids didn't have to think too hard about that one.

 

On the Haiku front, I've got good news - my three published works, 'Haiku Film Reviews', 'Haiku Horror Film Reviews' and 'Haiku Sci-Fi Film Reviews', are now all available at selected retail outlets including The Cinema Store, Gosh! Comics, Orbital Comics and the BFI Shop (all in the London area only, I'm afraid). Happy Shopping!

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Turn of the screw

Good news! Here at the Ministry of Justice we are pleased to announce that the prison population has risen to 83,518 (which is only 648 below the operational maximum), and is set to rise to 95,800 by 2015. That's an increase of nearly 15%. Our critics may point out that this estimate is actually lower than previous ones and hence that crime figures may be falling, but let us reassure you that this is solely due to gross mismanagement and the early release of potentially dangerous offenders.

We're doing our bit, so why not do yours? If you know anybody who deserves to be 'inside', or even if you fancy a spell at Her Majesty's pleasure yourself, contact us at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

Cool Hand Luke (1967) -

 

Some see Paul Newman

As a Christ allegory.

Eggs-traordinary!

 

 

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Suicide is painless...

Following a recent spate of teenage suicides in Bridgend, South Wales, blamed on so-called 'suicide websites', here at the Ministry of Justice we are keen to reassure worried parents that we intend to tighten up the 1961 Suicide Act, to include new digital media. This will mean updating the language of the act so that the operators of sites that promote suicide can be prosecuted, helping to ensure that "the internet is not a lawless environment". Unfortunately, we can do nothing about South Wales.

If you know anyone who is considering committing suicide, please let us know at Ministry of Justice, 102 Petty France, SW1H 9AJ, United Kingdom and we will ensure that they are prosecuted under the full weight of the law.

 

Today's Haiku Film Review:

 

La Bete (The Beast)  (1975) -

 

Bestiality

Dressed up as costume drama.

Truly demented.